Was he even ready for this? He imagined this had been the palpable feeling that soldiers held just before the eve of a battle. It felt as if the fear and uncertainty inside held a life of their own, had anyone truly been fully satisfied in saying that they were ready to meet the very gates of death itself? He sat down in the living room, taking that moment to arrive a bit of schedule with the guitar Sapphire grasped in his hand. In any moment of his life where he had a mountain that seemed almost unable to be traversed there had always been a guitar in hand. A tune in his heart that had fought against the emotions as if to calm the spirit itself. That had been the beast of emotions in all of its complexity, even when the deed needed to be done there had been that ever present fight to try and back out of it.
Alexander made his way towards the couch and sat down on it and positioned the guitar on his lap and pressed it against his abdomen while he started to tune it. The metallic surfaces were slippery and it had everything to do with the intense sweat that soaked at the surface of his hands. He shakily breathed out heated air from his lips and the full presence of his trembling resonated through from his shoulders towards the tips of his fingers. All the talk that he had amounted up to ease others, to lie to himself about it not being something to fear had almost been consumed by the fear inside of himself on saying goodbye to this world, to those that he had started to get close to and build a solid foundation on.
At this rate it would win out on his mind and it was now that he couldn't afford that to happen. He took in a deep course of air through his nostrils and strummed the chords of the guitar in a slow motion. It held no rhythm, a simple build up from low to high as he tried to tune the inside of himself to the vibrations that had struck through his body from holding the instrument so closely. The hand that held at the neck of the guitar slid smoothly in an ascending motion as it tested the various adjusted sounds that would coo from his long-term friend. It had been no different than when he'd been in the hospital, when he'd been bed-ridden at home in his younger years and tried to avoid the encroaching pain that wracked through the body then. As such, Alex began to actively strum the guitar with a more organized set.
Slowly his mind started to become more devoid to the atmosphere around him, taking no other notice as if the world had dissolved entirely for that moment and his voice started to eases out to sing along with what had been played here. A song that fit for a self proclaimed war cry of personal dedication to survival. After the song had ended his eyes kept closed and he soaked in that feeling that it left with him, maybe not hope itself but a will and desire not to simply see it through but the willingness to live and survive for himself. Pains and aches were just a prelude to this moment that would be what he would consider his victory for his want to survive, to live a full life.
The edge of his thumb slide along the siding of the guitar as his eyes opened up slowly still gazed at the instrument. Whatever the time had been by now it had no longer been a concern on his mind. "Had to make sure we did one more rodeo, Old gal. We'll both have bigger futures after this. That much I'm going to push ahead for." Though he spoke to the instrument it had been more as a reaffirmed bolster for himself.
Today would be when he chose life but would he be Accepted into life or death?