I'm not even going to go the route of asking, 'How', I know 'HOW' I want to know -WHY-?! Not why she's pregnant, why would some twisted fate think it would be every remotely a good idea that I would end up as a father? Okay, yea, I'm probably the coolest guy around, hands down, no competition. But there'd been nothing shown in me, nothing in my mind or my heart or even my very personality that would ever suggest that I could be considered a viable father. Maybe once upon a time, when I was less insan- Well, I don't think I've ever been truly sane, let me be completely transparent here. I'm far more 'Man-Boy' than I ever want to acknowledge and now placed in the position that I somehow, in some twisted way, need to be a 'Man-Man'. It's fine, no one else needs to get that, it's my own words and my own head after all.
It's not something to miss either, I know Arti is scared. She's probably thinking the same thing about herself that I think about myself just the more broken and messed up angle than the actual, 'I'm just bad because I'm mentally a terrible fit' road that I'm on. Though, if I were her? I'd doubt me entirely up and down. The fact I'm even a Professor still manages to blow my mind each and everyday, most of the times not even sure if things are retaining in the kids heads. Most of them don't even want to learn they want to goof off more than anything which makes them think my class has nothing to offer. How do I know my own kid won't think the very same thing? If it hadn't been the fact that I have too high of an opinion on responsibility that a person creates well. . . I'd have probably packed up and left, really. I know how cowardly that sounds but running, that's what I know.
For all my bravado, all my posturing, the one thing I've always done from my problems had been to run. No solution ever truly reached, no completion of things that could make me satisfied. I ran from Australia, from my friends and family, I ran from the pain that happened to Eleza which I have yet to actively confront. That could be part of it too, I did have this plan once upon a time, to relax and settle down, to actually build some kind of family with someone I cared for deeply. Now it isn't so different, I do care for Arti greatly, vastly, I could even argue it runs deeper than Eleza's own flare and she'd been a full Veela with those addictive hormones of hers.
But messing up sometimes seems to be the angle I end up twisting towards. No idea what to do, how to do it, as much as I have people around me I'm not even sure if most of them are actual supports I lean on. Hell. . . What even is leaning on someone when you've always had to push ahead and try to make a difference for yourself? For those that relied on you? My sister keeps giving me the 'Talk' that it's time to get more serious, to think about actively settling roots for the child and for the mother so she doesn't run all crazy and amok in her own mind or guesses.
I hate when she's actually right about something. . . I guess I'll have to grow up sometime and actually consider that I'm in this situation and it isn't just my own problem, my own issue, it's a couples issue and problem that would need to be confront by myself and Arti.